TigerEatsCow

Heeeeeey guys, Cholera here! You know, that tiny little infectious disease who spent their popular years basically everywhere. Ibiza, Constantinople, China, Mozambique, Wyoming – you name it and I’ve been there! You could say I’m a world traveller. Or I WAS, up until VERY RECENTLY.

A few generations ago people saw my true colors, I guess. They relegated me to the social status of “unpoopular” “messy” and “genuinely not good for the children…or for the world, really,” and then they started to kick me out of all public spaces. First they didn’t let me go swimming with them. Then they were like, “actually, you’re a disease, and you shouldn’t be here,” and I felt HURT. Where was I, the rod-shaped disease that wandered through everyone’s body and their buttholes? Where did I belong? I no longer had a space to be me, and to roam freely. I was, I daresay, OPPRESSED. 

Then my savior came, and his name was Donald Trump. Yes, I voted for the guy. I know what you’re gonna say: “you’re racist” “you’re sexist” “you hate immigrants.” 

Um, no, actually. I’ve entered the bodies of ALL types of people. I love EVERYBODY! Trans women, people from North and South America, children, old geezers named Jeff, married people, and ESPECIALLY hardworking rural American men who think it’s “gay to wipe your ass” and whose nearest hospital is fifty miles away. These are MY TYPES OF PEOPLE. TLDR: I am a citizen of the WORLD, and I am here to speak for THE SILENT MAJORITY. 

Donald Trump gets this. He wants me BACK. And we are SO BACK, BABY. The future of the clean water act? Up in the air. USAID? Gutted. Climate change? Denied, which will lead to more disasters, especially flooding, which is my favorite condition to be in (and how I spread my love around the world). Mr. Trump even hired RFK, who is a huge ally of the infectious disease community. Basically, I AM THRIVING.

And it’s time I thrived! For far too long the woke left has denounced normal bacteria like me, shoving me in a corner with “hand washing” “clean water” and “infrastructure” – too long have I been refused my place in the world by organizations and NGOs who want to stop me from befriending the bodies of small, malnourished children. 

So this November, I got really anal about politics. I did my research and I filled in that little bubble next to Donald Trump’s name on the Ballot Box. WHY? Because it’s time to make America great again. It’s time to bring back the people like me, who have lost their rights to “science” and “modern day medicine.” 

Those fuckers at Harvard who are doing WOKE research AGAINST ME have what’s coming for them. YOU’LL SEE! 

Xoxo,

Vibrio cholerae